Hey there, fellow sparklers!
I’m going to share my birthing experience with you. So if you’re squeamish, or don’t like discussing “lady parts”, look away now.
It all started on the 20th September 2014. It was about 11pm and I’d just stuffed my face with a tube of Pringles, so I already felt a little sick. I went to the toilet after feeling my mucus plug come away in one go (YUCK!!!). I’m not great with slimy, mucusy, snot-like things. So I was sat on the toilet heaving so badly I thought I was going to lose all my Pringles.
I’d already had a wee (as you do, that’s what toilets are for), and I was just about to stand up. Then I felt another gush, one that I knew certainly wasn’t coming from my tinkle hole, and I just froze. “Oh God, not now! Not when I’ve eaten a full tube of sour cream & onion Pringles to myself! My due dates still 3 weeks away!”
And then I looked into the toilet. It was green. Oh no. I knew from watching One Born Every Minute that if your waters are green, it’s not good. Had my precious little unborn baby had a poo inside me? YUCK.
I got on the phone to the Delivery Suite straight away, and they told me to go in. They said that they’d probably just send me home again because I wasn’t having any contractions. So I hopped into a taxi in my dressing gown with my little suitcase, not knowing what to expect. The company I use, my mum is friends with most of the people who work there, so when they said they had no taxi’s and my mum blurted “HER WATERS HAVE BROKEN” I heard “Oh God, I’m sending one round right now!” (Thank you, my heroes).
I got to the hospital, lay on the bed with my pyjama bottoms absolutely SOAKED. The lovely midwife told me to do a urine sample and asked to have a look at the colour of my waters. She took one look and said “You’re being induced in the morning. Baby’s had a poo inside of you and we need to start off labour as soon as possible.”
So, with my Pringles churning in my stomach, I waddled off to the ward and began to mentally prepare myself for what was about to come. But there was NO WAY I could have prepared for what was about to happen next.
The following morning at 9am they induced me with Oxytocin (Pitocin) through an IV. I didn’t feel any pain or tightenings for about 3 hours so I thought “Oh, this is alright”.. BOY was I wrong. Just after 12pm they started strong and fast, and I didn’t want gas&air because I hate feeling out of it. I have a condition where my blood pressure drops, my blood pools into my legs and I start feeling “out of it”. To me, it’s the worst feeling possible because it usually makes me throw up. So, trying to be a trooper, when each contraction started I’d grip the bed, grit my teeth and moan. By this time, I was losing buckets of my green waters at a time, so I had one of those padded sheets under my bum. The midwife said to me “just let me know when it needs changing, but try and put up with it until it’s full”. A couple of minutes afterwards I said sheepishly, “Um.. I need another one”. Of course she didn’t believe me and had to check for herself. To which she replied, “Oh my GOD, that is A LOT of water. I’ve never seen anything like it!!”
Yep. Green liquid was pumping out of my vajayjay at an alarming rate. I kept needing to go to the toilet, and each time my mum had to come with me because I was struggling to walk with the pain. Each time I had to walk to and from the bathroom, my mum was behind me with a paper towel, mopping up the floor. Each time I had a contraction, green liquid squirted out. I didn’t realise this at the time as I was concentrating on not screaming the place down, it was my mum who told me afterwards.
I lasted 4 hours without any pain relief (which I am VERY proud of because I have a really low pain threshold), but in the end I gave up and tried the gas&air which the midwife offered once again. The first try I hated it because I felt as high as a kite and very, very drunk. But I kept using it. Not because it helped with the pain, because it really didn’t, but because I had something to bite on as hard as I wanted while I braved through the awful contractions.
I finally had an epidural, which literally took them 25 minutes to do because he had a trainee with him and had to explain everything at least twice. Normally, I don’t mind, but when it feels like I’m having my insides and lady parts ripped apart, I’m hardly going to consider anyone’s learning skills. I was thinking “JUST GET THE F*****G THING IN ME ALREADY!”
Finally, it was in, and it took another 30 minutes before it started to work. Thank the lord for my biting device. When it finally had an effect, I was so relieved. I couldn’t sleep because I was too nervous, but being able to lay there comfortably, reading a book and relaxing, it was HEAVEN.
What seemed like 5 minutes later, but was actually 6 hours later (I was VERY engrossed in a Christmas book), the midwife came in planning to do an internal examination to see how I was progressing. I opened my legs, she looked and went “Oh! I can see baby’s head! It’s time to push!!!”
That sent me into shock. Full blown shock, where you’re shaking uncontrollably and quite violently, throwing up and feeling cold. Each time she told me to push I couldn’t push properly because I was in shock and still quite out of it from the gas&air.
“1, 2, 3, PUUUSSSSHHHH”
“I AM PUSHING”
“Push like you’re doing the biggest poo ever”
“I PRACTICALLY AM POOING”… Yep. I actually said that.
Having to stop mid push to throw up and losing my concentration for the 5th time, the midwife wheeled in a mirror and placed it in front of me. I was looking at myself with my legs up in stirrups, my vajayay on show for the world to see, watching a head emerge. It was the weirdest, yet most amazing experience I’ve ever had. It helped me concentrate so much that she was soon out.
But when I felt her lower body deliver.. I also felt a weird sensation. No pain because I was completely numb, but I knew from the midwife’s face that something had happened. I held my gorgeous little baby for a minute, feeling her warm, wet body on me. I thought it would gross me out but it really didn’t. But my baby was soon taken off me and given to my mum so they could deal with the problem afoot.
My precious vajayjay had torn. Correction, the skin between my vajayjay and my bum had torn. Badly. Before I was stitched up, I had to deliver the placenta. So, with my legs still up in stirrups, everything on show, but with the mirror gone because the midwife didn’t want me to see the bloody, torn mess, I started to push again.
“Gently”, she said. I wasn’t in the mood for gentle pushes, I just wanted the damn thing out so I could sleep. I gave one big push. BIG MISTAKE.
The placenta was delivered, but when I looked forward, I realised that blood had projected out of me. My midwife, the floor, and the wall at the other side of the room were covered in blood. My mums face had gone grey. The midwife looked frightened. I thought I was going to die.
Luckily, it wasn’t as bad as it looked. It gave everyone in the room a massive shock, but the majority of the blood was from the placenta itself, which had burst on the way out, through me pushing too forcefully (oops). I’d lost about 6 units of my own blood, which seems a lot, but isn’t life threatening. Or bad enough to need a blood transfusion. It did, however, leave me anaemic, so I was given iron tables, which made my poo look like Alexa’s first poo (Meconium). Black, tarry, and just all round disgusting.
After the midwife had stitched me up and made a mess of it by stitching it all as one with double knots throughout instead of single stitches, she asked me to take my legs down from the stirrups…. WHAT.
I looked at her like I’d just seen her turn into an alien. “Are you being serious? I’m NUMB. I don’t know where my arse is.”
In my head, I was saying, “First you mess up my stitches, and now you want me to take my legs down by myself and move up the bed when I can’t feel anything from the waist down. WHAT KIND OF TWISTED PERSON ARE YOU?!” But, of course, I didn’t say that out loud because I’m just too polite. (And I was far too exhausted to say a big sentence like that).
After the birth, both me and Alexa remained in hospital for 5 days. Her temperature was low so she was in a heated cot at the side of me, while both of us were taking antibiotics as a precaution. 2am every morning, I’d get out of bed bogeyed, extremely sore from the tear, and hobble down to NICU with the heated cot for them to give Alexa her antibiotics. I looked like a drunk old woman. That thing was EXTREMELY difficult to control. Trust me to get one with dodgy wheels.
When we were at home, a midwife from my local doctors surgery came round to take the “stubborn” stitches out. I was stitched up with dissolvable stitches, but the midwife at the hospital made such a mess that some just wouldn’t dissolve.
So, lay on my bed, once again with my legs in the air and everything on show, the lovely midwife began to remove the stitches. HOLY MOLY. I was seconds away from kicking her in the face. (So sorry). I’ve never felt pain like it. You guys think being hit in the balls is bad? Try tearing the skin in between your willy and bum, then have it stitched up completely wrong, and THEN having to have them taken out with tweezers because they failed to dissolve. THAT, my friend, is the most painful thing in the world involving your sensitive parts.
It hurt to sit, stand, walk, wee, even shower. I had to clean it every day (obviously) and the easiest way for me was to get in the shower and just stick the shower head between my legs. PLEASE DON’T DO THAT. IT HURTS SO BAD. Especially when you’re stupid like me and use really hot water. Owww-eeee.
After that, though, it was all smooth sailing. I absolutely adore being a mother and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m not going to lie, it is hard at times, it’s completely exhausting and babies/toddlers like to push all your buttons and get on every single nerve in your body. There’s been a few times where she’s been such a little arsehole I’ve debated whether to throw her in the bin or out of a window. (Not seriously, obviously! Please don’t think I’m some kind of monster).
Finally, just to finish off this story, when I got out of hospital, I spoke to two of my best friends in a group chat on Facebook and they asked me what it was like and how I feel now. Do you know how I responded?
“IT FEELS LIKE I’VE SHIT OUT A PLANET!”
Yep. That, my friends, is what giving birth feels like. Shitting out a planet.
I hope you enjoyed reading my birthing experience, and I’m sorry for all the details, but isn’t that the whole point?
Let me know if you liked it, and maybe even share your own birthing experiences in the comments!
Lots of love,